senior apathy

The Sanchez family is thoroughly stressed out. Jon has been spending his week first at a massive education job fair then suffering the mixed blessing of being called back for an interview. I have been working full days, early mornings, late nights. I have a first draft of a paper due Monday, which I have two pages of research to contribute. Really two pages of scripture references that need to be researched. We need a break but are instead looking ahead to one last month of school work. The beginning of May will signal our release from a year of us both being in school, a year that is showing its wear.

My senior year of college I had multiple conversations with my rooommate Becca about being apathetic. Overachievers our whole lives, we were both trying to the learn the skill of second best. We weren't good at it and were better at convincing ourselves we didn't care anymore. On finals week, with most everything else done, I woke up early every morning to read philosophy. The class was studies on epistemology, the study of knowing or how we are able to know. I had arranged to take the class credit/no credit so earning a good grade wasn't really an option. I just needed to pass. Still I woke up early and read and prepared.

And now, I can't get myself to research. I talk about the paper I'm working on. I think about it. I can't get myself to sit down and do the work, though. I want to ask of my professor what Max on "Rushmore" asked the principal. "Couldn't we let me just slide by, for old time's sake?" I want to be done with seminary. I want to come home from work and not have one more nagging responsibility. I think I would be content with being a really good part time housewife. Part time because with no babies I have to keep my day job. For a while there I was getting pretty good at delegating chores to myself.

I guess I need to remain hopeful. I told Jon we would eventually look back on these years as the best. He disagreed. Our best years, he said, will come when we are dead. There will be good things in all of these years: school, church, kids, jobs, retirement. But the best is yet to come beyond it all. So I am stressed. I am struggling and I'm hopeful. Still, I could use a little kick in the pants. Get back to work, Lynette. You're not going to get an A in blogging.