Rescue 911

On Sunday, Jon and I were driving west on I-84 heading downtown to see the New Pornographers. Jon won free tickets and the only mention the show deserves is that though Lavender Diamond has a good song they are a true example of so indie it sucks. That's all I have to say about that. Moving on, we were driving west when I spotted a small fire near the embankment. I figured someone was burning leaves in their backyard, though something seemed amiss. As we drew nearer I realized the fire was on the embankment, not in a yard, and against the freeway noise barrier. This did not seem good. And Jon, being the ever responsible one, told me to call 911...now. I hesitated. I've never called 911, except for in 6th grade when my friend dislocated her knee and I'm not sure I was the one making the call, though my sister and I watched plenty of "Rescue 911" growing up. Ah, William Shatner and your reenactments. I protested: was it really that serious. Jon insisted: everyone driving down the interstate is thinking someone else has already called. I sighed, submitted and dialed 911 on his cell phone.

"You have reached Portland 911. If this is an emergency say 911 after the tone or press any key."

Are you joking me? It's an emergency and you want me to say 911 like I'm disputing a charge on my phone bill. I press '1.' I wasn't sure if there was an option for a non-emergency or highway embankment fire.

"A 911 operator will be with you in a moment. Hanging up will only delay emergency response."

Again, are you kidding. What if my arm just got chopped off or my grandfather was having a heart attack. You want me to hold? But I stayed on the line, because I didn't want to risk an angry call back or fine or getting in trouble. But really, they can put you on hold?

"We are experiencing a heavy call rate at the moment. Thank you for holding."

You're welcome. I bet Jon is wrong. I bet every stinking car traveling west on I-84 both in front and behind us is listening to the same message. After a good 30 seconds of shock an operator does come on the line. I've had time to gather my thoughts.

"Yes, I'm traveling west on I-84 and just saw a fire off the side of the road"

"Is it at 68th?"

"Sure." I'm terrible at estimating.

"We've got someone responding already."

"Great. Thanks."

Often times, I'm on the phone at 5:30am trying to get credit for broken yogurt parfaits at work. I sit there for five minutes listening to the same message and upbeat music. I couldn't help but feel the 911 emergency line could benefit from some sort of calming music.

"Please stay on the line and listen to these crashing ocean waves to soothe you."

Another option would be to dispense first aid information while the person is holding, but this seemed overly practical. I know that if an emergency actually happened and I was put on hold I would freak out. At least I think I would, although I suppose I'm so accustomed to holding for different things that it might actually calm me by convincing me this was like any other telephone interaction with a business. And they would help me as soon as an operator was available and my call may be recorded for quality and training purposes.